In this world, we often feel sorry for ourselves...when in all reality it is our fault. It is our fault when we let people torment us and our fault for giving them that power. I know someone who is completely devastated, obsessed, and devoured due to another. The person who tortures them obviously doesn't see the good in them, doesn't value their qualities. (As much as the first party would like to believe.) Often in these situations (and indeed this one) people keep giving that bad person the power, they let them control their emotions, life, and every action. Every breathing moment of life is spent doing things in such a way that "Maybe they'll see and realize they do love me." It can come off as sad, it can come off as desperate, and it's never going to work out that way. Speaking from recent experience... It is not unusual or unnatural or unhealthy to yearn for or mourn for someone you lose for a little while, it is actually better, otherwise it's going to come back to get you later. But at a certain point you have to grudgingly start severing those ties, distract yourself, tuck the letters away in a drawer. Stop stalking them on facebook. (This was my huge flaw for awhile.) If you ever want to have a chance at a healthy and well formed relationship with that person, you have to stop giving them power over you. Otherwise you become their plaything, their slave. This being said, they have some growing to do too...and you better realize that. Otherwise you are weak and will throw yourself at them when they say they need you, when they probably are only going to use you. But once you start this process you give yourself a chance. And you may even surprise yourself, in the resignation of not having that person you may find someone even better. And it is hard to admit they are better at first, it's hard to be open to being with them and not saying "Oh we're just having fun"... But as you let everything slip and get back to being you, you'll realize that you are happier then that other person ever made you feel. Eventually that other person, who is bad for you, will fade to a memory...maybe you thihnk of them and the good times and still regret the way some things happened, but you don't let them have that power to twist you into something that isn't you. You will stop throwing yourself at them... You will stop plotting to kill their significant other... You will never give in when they call you crying and say they want you and only you... You will realize that they just broke up and are lonely or only want you for the basest reasons... But right now you can't. You need to stop holding them close to your heart and let life happen in its beautiful way.
And now for something completely different...
Recent events are quite interesting. I was scouted a few weeks ago, via my online modeling portfolio by a casting director for America's Next Top Model. It turns out that this cycle they are only taking short models. So I said, alright, sounds like fun... (Thinking this lady was crazy.) But she was serious, I talked with her on the phone, then met her at Starbucks. A couple days ago (Tuesday) I went to do the actual audition. The recruited girls had to show up at 7am, but we got to go straight in. (Thank goodness I wasn't open call...those girls were outside in the rain when I got there and still there when I left at 9am.) The audition was simple, talking in front of a camera...the application was 15 pages long though, plus some photos. There were only about 30 girls recruited from the Bay Area, so that is sortof a compliment in itsself. So this being the second audition stop, it may be awhile before I hear back....the videos have to be watched by everyone- including Tyra!
That being said, I'm thinking when I send my stuff out to agencies, I'll look for modeling representation as well as acting.