Current Thoughts

Well...

I am graduating this weekend. Or rather not. I decided not to walk. My parent's would rather take me to dinner, and I would rather not sit in the elements for 6 hours straight. Expect graduation announcements....

Work is stressful. I sortof short circuited and stopped existing in the full spectrum of life for awhile. Oh well. I think I'm coming back to normal-ish. For those of you who don't already know... I'm now bartending and shift leading in addition to serving.

My last wind ensemble concert was a few weeks ago. It actually went really well. I am hoping to play with another group of some type in the near future. Perchance I could play again with them in the Fall, but that is so far away that I'm not counting on it.

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Again I question happiness... At work I am being offered quite an opportunity, the chance to become a manager in the future of a large corporate restaurant. However this week I've been very upset over the realization that this job takes up all the energy I want to spend on dance, music, theatre, and other endeavours. A job which I took because it allowed me the time and income to focus on other things is now taking over. So I am starting to think that I need to reevaluate what I really want. Do I want to just serve and spend the majority of my time auditioning for acting and modeling gigs? Or do I continue on with the career that "society" approves of? The status that comes with such a job is nice. You feel accepted, good at what you do, as if you have status. Because in this world you do, a manager has some status. It may be a shitty status in the great scheme of things. But it is something, and many don't have it. Mostly I feel flattered, and I like anything that makes me feel like I'm good at something. Don't we all? Don't humans want to be successful? But I'm good at many things. I guess I am just drawn torwards whichever one I'm being openly praised for at the moment. It is not hard to do. I think the reason most people don't is because perhaps they are not that good at many things.

Part of the hesitance to give up the management opportunities lies in the uncertainty in the other path. The life of an artist is pretty rough. Unless a large studio or agency likes you and continues to use you, than it's a hard life. There are so many actors out there, even consistantly working ones...who we still never hear about. Yeah you land a decent gig...you're ok. But it is hard to make a living doing single shoots or tv spots. It's the unknown versus the known, so of course the known is the easiest path to follow. I become a manager at Elephant Bar I pretty much no what I'm in for. As long as I'm not stupid and I don't break any rules, that I have a job. As someone who dabbles in music, dances, acts, and on occassion models... I can't depend on anything.

And on that abrupt note...I'm off to bed.

A thought and an update

In this world, we often feel sorry for ourselves...when in all reality it is our fault. It is our fault when we let people torment us and our fault for giving them that power. I know someone who is completely devastated, obsessed, and devoured due to another. The person who tortures them obviously doesn't see the good in them, doesn't value their qualities. (As much as the first party would like to believe.) Often in these situations (and indeed this one) people keep giving that bad person the power, they let them control their emotions, life, and every action. Every breathing moment of life is spent doing things in such a way that "Maybe they'll see and realize they do love me." It can come off as sad, it can come off as desperate, and it's never going to work out that way. Speaking from recent experience... It is not unusual or unnatural or unhealthy to yearn for or mourn for someone you lose for a little while, it is actually better, otherwise it's going to come back to get you later. But at a certain point you have to grudgingly start severing those ties, distract yourself, tuck the letters away in a drawer. Stop stalking them on facebook. (This was my huge flaw for awhile.) If you ever want to have a chance at a healthy and well formed relationship with that person, you have to stop giving them power over you. Otherwise you become their plaything, their slave. This being said, they have some growing to do too...and you better realize that. Otherwise you are weak and will throw yourself at them when they say they need you, when they probably are only going to use you. But once you start this process you give yourself a chance. And you may even surprise yourself, in the resignation of not having that person you may find someone even better. And it is hard to admit they are better at first, it's hard to be open to being with them and not saying "Oh we're just having fun"... But as you let everything slip and get back to being you, you'll realize that you are happier then that other person ever made you feel. Eventually that other person, who is bad for you, will fade to a memory...maybe you thihnk of them and the good times and still regret the way some things happened, but you don't let them have that power to twist you into something that isn't you. You will stop throwing yourself at them... You will stop plotting to kill their significant other... You will never give in when they call you crying and say they want you and only you... You will realize that they just broke up and are lonely or only want you for the basest reasons... But right now you can't. You need to stop holding them close to your heart and let life happen in its beautiful way.

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And now for something completely different...

Recent events are quite interesting. I was scouted a few weeks ago, via my online modeling portfolio by a casting director for America's Next Top Model. It turns out that this cycle they are only taking short models. So I said, alright, sounds like fun... (Thinking this lady was crazy.) But she was serious, I talked with her on the phone, then met her at Starbucks. A couple days ago (Tuesday) I went to do the actual audition. The recruited girls had to show up at 7am, but we got to go straight in. (Thank goodness I wasn't open call...those girls were outside in the rain when I got there and still there when I left at 9am.) The audition was simple, talking in front of a camera...the application was 15 pages long though, plus some photos. There were only about 30 girls recruited from the Bay Area, so that is sortof a compliment in itsself. So this being the second audition stop, it may be awhile before I hear back....the videos have to be watched by everyone- including Tyra!

That being said, I'm thinking when I send my stuff out to agencies, I'll look for modeling representation as well as acting.

Sorry

Well, we all know I have two disasterous relationships in my life that I wish could be better. I've decided, in light of current events, that the one is not getting fixed today. This is the one I've been miserable over, so I need to do something with my energy. So I've decided to try again to make ammends on the other one. (I had recently proclaimed that the ball was in her court and I have nothing to do with it. But whatever, life is obviously too short.) This particular person is strange, I have no idea what I did. Unlike my other mess-up this may have been caused by me being me was no longger what she wanted in her life. Whereas I screwed up the other thing by not being me. (Do you ever feel like you can't win? Thats why I guess you should just be you.)

What I wanted to write about before I went into a manic deppressive spiral last night, was percieved right time. (But then I have to be a girl...which menas then crying all night and and hangover of depressed when you wake up at 1am, which means Tully's because making coffee isw ridiculous by then. Yeah don't be a girl.) However, one of my past favorite singer, Trisha Yearwood, had said about her desire for a recording career that she would go out and try making music and recording once she lost a considerable amount of weight. And she finally realized that this was ridiculous, and she just went out there and started recording and became a star. But her percieved right time was when she was 25 pounds lighter. Obviously she was wrong, her percieved right time was not good for her goals, she didn't need it. So when are we doing that in our life? When are we waiting for that perfect moment to do something? You sit there and calculate the way you think everyone else will react, what stuff you own, what experience you have, plan how to make yourself look better for whatever you want to do, and to what end? Is it really going to help? Or better yet, are you really ever going to do those things that you see as prerequisites? Or will they forever going to be stumbling blocks to your hopes and dreams. From now on lets try to do things we want to do, regardless of if we think the time is right. If you don't make it happen than it will never happen. And you get into a habit of putting things off, until you are completely crippled.

Oh well, at least my mom thinks I'm profound.

Chasing Pavements

I suppose in life all you an ever do is keep on living. I'm not someone who believes in suicide (although I don't judge anyone for it- normally there are other factors), so as long as you wake up in the morning- you're here, like it or not. So thing is you can keep on being who you are if everyone is happy or you can change it. Sometimes it takes someone else to realize that you don't like who you are. And the thing is it's not always that you yourself are a bad person or need to change, but rather you are a changed or bad person due to some variables in life. So maybe you do not need to change forwards into someone else, but get back to who you are. But how do you prove to someone that you've gotten back to you if you have no contact with them. Not many of us are going to be able to have it published in the paper.

Pictures of my Room

I got a bed yesterday and also went to IKEA.... so my room is shaping up nicely. I don't really feel like writing much, I'm watching the Daily Show.
(I'm very happy to have my keyboard in my room. I'm putting up shelves in that inset to the left of the keyboard. For DVDs and stuff. I'm becoming a DVD person. Specifically one who buys TV on DVD. Helloooo box set heaven.)
(The closet is good sized but its getting the next IKEA makeover. It needs some hooks on the left, a shelf over the clothing rod, and maybe shalves on the right. As well as a case of Container Store clear shoe boxes... Oh yeah and IKEA Antonius drawer bins for athletic clothes, dance wear, and sleepwear.)(Thats the bookcase I just got at IKEA...only $20. Wasn't my first choice but once I got it in it actually works better than my first choice. I need an air pump for my football. Also my tv is pretty.)

Bob is going crazy...we switched to the Colbert Repor(t) and he loves Steven....

Things... and Stuffs...

Hmmm. This blog just decided to post itself for fun, without anything in it.

I have to go to work soonish which is fairly lame.
But! I did get Super Bowl Sunday off!!!! So excited... I tried tricking people into working it, but then I got Kevin to work it because hes new and they didn't schedule him much. So yay! Football!

Anyways... I hate how they never explained on Sex and the City when Charlotte is kissing the gardner and her sister in law says something about it during cocktail hour and her mother in law says "Charlotte, you're a McDougal now!"... was that just her being drunk? (She did then try to smoke her cigarette backwards) or is that like a thing? Do they all kiss the gardner? It just bugs me everytime I see that episode.

Oh and I cut my hair...And I'm finally getting a bed tomorrow. I sold my loft bed yesterday, and now I'm getting a used Day Bed, also from IKEA. Now I can get lots of pillows and my bed can be like a couch during the day. Because my ridiculously huge TV is in my room...so if anyone wants to watch a movie that would be the best bet. Also lord only knows when Erica and I will actually get a couch....

Oh, btw... Gobama!

ha.

New Years Resolutions 2009

Here are my resolutions... In no particular order. I'm not THAT organized.

1. Continue from last year- eating healthier. I did pretty well with this last year. But I hope that having a real house/kitchen will help even more.

2. Be Myself. This is super important. Sometimes I try to be whoever I think people want me to be. But that doesn't work out so well. I don't do it around everyone, or even all the time. But I think I should never do it again.

3. Get my fashion blog up and running. Aim for a few consistent posts per week and eventually work to one a day.

4. Find a talent agent...hopefully in January- rather than the whole year.

5. Stop the irrational hating of things. For some reason I decide I dislike things for no real reason. Case in point: Finding Nemo, other annimated movies, Family Guy, other things I can't remember right now.

6. Be unashamed of the things I like. Such as Sex and the City, Rhianna, Star 101.3, etc. So I like them, so what? That doesn't make me a lesser person. It just makes me diversified.

7. Draw and read more. I like these things. School just started getting in the way.

8. Try and relax. Because I never do. And all the stress I had this last year was ridiculous.

Oh, yeah. And find a new job.